A safe place

And so as I continue on my, once again, new journey of sexual healing since my relapse, I find myself thinking about the tools I enlisted in the past to help me deal with the panic and fear. How did I get control in the past? Because I figure that's what I need to be doing this time round too.

Through all the various therapists I'de been to throughout my life, the one that did help me a fair bit and that I felt most comfortable with was Janke from Khomas Medical. This was a couple of years ago and I think she was only a few years into practicing (as she sometimes took her books to check things) she was the first therapist I actually felt comfortable with. I think part of why I felt so comfortable with her was because it seemed like she had recently finished studying. She never had a hint of that egotistical "I know it all" attitude that I got from other therapists while they fakely smiled and (clearly) pretended to be my friend. It always felt like my issues weren't all that big as far as they were concerned because they had seen worse, therefor, in my mind, they weren't taking my feelings and issues seriously.

Well, anyway, Janke and I tried a couple of techniques, as I had tried with other therapists too. There weren't really many (hardly any actually) that really helped. Especially the exercise of just breathing and closing my eyes sent me into even more of a panic. The talking was fine and all, but we needed to find something that I could do at the moments when it mattered the most. At those times when the darkness would come to devour me and strangle me. When I felt the panic rise.

So as we talked about trying different things and as we tried some of them, Janke talked to me about where I felt safe. Where was the one place I was completely in control, safe and where I felt cocooned from the world and all the demons in my head. At that time, that place was my car.

Oh, my beautiful, sexy, bright blue roadster. My Shianne, my Mazda MX5. When I was driving her, it seemed the world disappeared. It was the only time the muscles in my body actually relaxed. The sound of her engine softly growling seemed like a fresh magical melody going through my head and clearing out all the confusion and uncertainty. When I drove her, when I felt her, it seemed I found myself. I found myself without any of the bad things. It was as if I knew myself without the pain, the lost innocence, without any fear or guilt or judgements. She was my sanctuary, she was the ointment that soothed my soul. When I drove her, it was as if her engine and my heart purred together. The way she gripped the road, especially around a turn . . . it was a pure flowing connection from my arms and hands grasping the steering wheel to the point where the rubber meet the road. It was pure poetry.

When I bought her, I heard many people tell me how buying a two seater was a selfish decision. But at that point, I didn't really have anyone else I needed to consider. And how glad I was that I bought her, because finally I had found my sanctuary. Finally I had a place that was all mine, that wasn't tainted or touched by anyone, and it was meant for only me. She belonged to me and I to her.

So I had my "safe place" when Janke asked me if I had such a place. She taught me that even when I wasn't physically in my car, I could go to her and be safe. When the panic came, when the demons loomed, I would close my eyes and go to Shianne. In my minds eye, I would feel her, hear her and smell her. I would feel her bucket seats hug me, telling me I was safe in her arms. I would hear that glorious sound of her engine gently whispering to me that everything was fine, everything was great. And it was just me and her and the road. I had my sanctuary!

Now, it's a couple of years later and she is not with me anymore as I'm going through this relapse. I had to let her go, she was the sacrifice I made for my son. And as much as I loved her and always will, she doesn't compare to how much I love my son. My beautiful boy.
But now, here I sit, with no sanctuary, no place to feel safe. Since I let her go, I never found anything that has come close to replacing her as my safe place. The car we have now is our family car. Our home is shared with other people since we are renting out the rooms of the house, so everything is communal. And my bedroom belongs to my husband and son as well. So where do I go now, what do I do for a safe place.

I can't go back to thinking about Shianne now as my safe place, because now she belongs to someone else and is just a reminder that she is no longer mine. I could think about the next car I want as MY car, but it just isn't the same if I haven't had a personal experience and developed a relationship with that car again.

So now I have identified what helped me previously and what would potentially help me this time round. But with that comes the realization that, now, I don't actually have a place anywhere in the world that I feel safe, that I can breath and find me. That may sound sad, and yes, it is a bit sad and disappointing. But I refuse to be a victim and feel sorry for myself. So though it seems sad, it's actually a good thing. A great thing. Because now as part of my new healing journey, I have been able to give myself a clear cut mission. Find or create a safe place.

So now I'm on my way to finding where else I feel good and safe, what else makes me happy and takes me a bit closer to finding and feeling like me. The me without the pain and fear. So here I go, off to find my new "safe place".